I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
