carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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