We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
