Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
