Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
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