We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
