After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
