what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
