i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
