I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
