Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
