K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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