So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
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please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
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I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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