shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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