Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
