I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
