the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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