Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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