In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
