Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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