I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
