You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
