I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i will never coherently bang her
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
