never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
