I wanna bring you to show and tell
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
