Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
