take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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