I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
