so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
