i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
