I met the friendliest cop last night
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
