You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You dont lie about slip and slides
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
