Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
