I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
