Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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