I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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