I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
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I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
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She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize