i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
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how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
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He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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