matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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