Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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