He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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