My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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