If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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