Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
