For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
