Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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