you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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