HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
