New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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