I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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