We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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