shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
