sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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