I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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