He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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