Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
