Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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