i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
