Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
