I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
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I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
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My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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